I started blogging because of nights like these. Having bipolar and then postpartum depression changed my life. And if I don’t get some good out of it, it’ll really drive me nuts.
I don’t mean the “typical” insanity where you can go to a psych ward and come back out. I’m talking about that void, the abyss that mental illness can pull you in. Once it sucks you into its own world, their thoughts become you and you believe every single crap they say. Despair, darkness, frustration, contempt, anxiety become your world.
The ability to separate myself from all that junk and to almost feel like I’m hovering above it is what this blog is all about. And I want to help you zoom out of your storm too. I know you are here reading this because there isn’t a single soul on this earth who has zero crap. It might seem like it on their Insta account but behind that perfectly manicured pic was probably two hours of bickering and fighting.
Anyways, tonight I’m in a real rut and I desperately need to refocus. I don’t want to drown in my issue. I need to see the big picture and see what lesson I can draw from it. Focusing on growing through the dirt will stop me from obsessing over the problem.
My issue is acceptance. I’m almost half a century old but I still struggle to love myself wholeheartedly. Why is that? I think if it was just me on this earth, I wouldn’t have that problem. But that’s not the case so every time someone or something, like bipolar, comes along and shakes my core beliefs, asks me to change my values, acceptance issues start kicking in.
This person doesn’t like me, want me or accept me as I am. Do I want to change for them or not? Do I even accept myself as I am? I thought I did but maybe changing a little wouldn’t be so bad. It’ll definitely make them love me more. Yeah, sure and I’m definitely a size zero also.
But how do I know the limit? How do I know what things I can give up? For me it’s easy. I use God’s standards. Works for me and maybe not others. The point is you need to have some standard. And when it comes to deep values like love, respect, kindness and care, you need to have a really high bar so no one can come and yank you down.
But we bipolars sure love self-hate and self-pity! Forget about others not accepting us, we often don’t accept, respect, care or love ourselves. When you walk all over yourself, you only pave the path for others.
So I think I’ve gotten some clarity and I do see the seedling emerging which is to please God and everyone and everything else will fall in its place.
I still have a hard time accepting myself and it still hurts when someone doesn’t love me as I am. It even hurts more when they ask me to change. But at least now I can focus on the plant growing and not the dirt beneath it.
And yet, through it all, I cannot curse the earth for that is where my growth stems from.
Wow, that is deep. Get it deep, deep in the dirt. Ok, I need to sleep.
See you in my next post!