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This is how I feel, right now…

Updated: Oct 4, 2021

This title is ironic because my last post was about not worshipping feelings. Someone said to me recently, “Saba, how is it that I see you one day and you are up and the next day the colour from your face is gone?” Others have said, “I can’t keep up with your moods.”

Welcome to my world

Muslim mental health anxiety bipolar mood disorder mania psychotic episode

And the world of many people with mood swings, bipolar or not. There is only so much junk I can eat. There is only so many shows I can binge on. There is only so many hours I can sleep. Still have to clean the house, get on those endless and almost pointless Zoom classes. Cook? Just eat crackers and oranges and whatever I can find. No matter how much motivation I gather, how much energy, I’m drained again.

Even writing this post is hard because I think who will read this? Who will care about my vent? It’s ok if it’s just me and you. Sitting here starring at the screen wondering when will life be normal again?

Then the guilt sets in. But I have it so good compared to others, why should I complain?!? Do I even have the right to complain?

Call it what you will but it’s definitely not complaining to me. It’s about acknowledging that this isn’t just a physical corona virus sickness.

There are invisible ramifications of this pandemic that many of us are experiencing but can’t even seem to name.

Because after all, we have MacBooks to work, 5G internet, remote jobs to survive on so how are we suffering?

We are. We all are. In one way, form on another, we are. There are few, very few precious moments when I write and I feel the flow. I almost feel myself levitating because I sense peace and calmness. That serenity comes because I manned up and faced the crap storm inside me and gave it words. I rose above it and literally feel it in my body.

You can’t see the light if you don’t know you are in the dark. And my friends, we are in a very dark, dark times. We might not be physically ill but we are all suffering emotionally.

My gym recently opened up and it does not look the same. I’m thankful though that I could go slam some balls and ropes. It’s my escape. And when I went, I beamed with joy when I saw the janitor lady. Without realizing, she had become part of my daily routine. She walks slowly and I would see her cleaning calmly and quietly for the past years and I see her almost every day. Then, it all stopped. And when I saw her recently, I wanted to give her a hug.

The ordinary people in our life who seem to fade in the background but become a part of us that we only realize them when they are not there.

It’s like getting accustomed to internet and then when the power is out, everybody looks up and comes out of their bedroom, almost from a trance.

We are coming out of a trance. Some find it hard to cope with this “awakening” so they find another escape: addictions. Numbing our emotions with food, TV, “overproductive”, alcohol, drugs, fighting with loved ones, and suicidal thoughts.

But even when we come out of this pandemic, we still might not see the reality: death.

I know. Almost everyone who knows me HATES it when I mention death. It’s such a buzz kill. They don’t want to be poked like that. Like, let me keep dreaming. I don’t want to wake up.

Me neither, I don’t want to wake up. But one day we all will. So we can use the reminder of death as something morbid or as something to cherish the time we have and not throw it way.

Ok thats all my rusty fingers got. After months of not writing, I hope I make some sense. If not, blame the mindlessly TV binging and having no contact with the world. (Ok, it’s not that bad. I did have some good contact, alhumdulillah.)

#COVID19 #death #emtions #suffering

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