Yes. Well, at least I feel there are worms in my ear. I also feel spiders crawling on my toes. I was lying down, for the third time, and what seemed like a real octopus but was only image jumped out at me and made me shake and squirm with fear and disgust.
I think these are “neurosensory delusions.” I’m not even sure if that’s a real term but it definitely feels real to me, especially when I’m stressed. I started getting ready for bed around 9 pm. Now, it’s almost midnight and I still can’t sleep. I promised myself no devices when I head to bed and here I am talking to you. There must be some reason I can’t sleep so I thought, might as well blog the s*** out of this insomnia.
This is a regular thing: performing so many rituals just to be able to fall asleep and yet being swarmed with delusions. From aromatherapy to warm lighting to melatonin gummies to salah and dhikr and medication, I have a pretty good routine for getting ready for bed. It’s falling asleep that I have a very, very hard time with.
I don’t want another day to come. I don’t want to have to go through the motions again of fighting yet another day with a mental illness.
It’s an invisible battle I fight every single day.
And only Allah sees it and I know that should be comfort enough but subhanAllah I’m just not at that point yet. InshaAllah when I will be, I know my fight will turn into service for my Creator.
But until then, I fight this battle of delusions and having to process so much stimuli at once all the while maintaining a normal façade. It’s only when I’m safe in private with a few loved ones that I let the shakes and twitching come out. Otherwise, I’m holding it in the whole day and when I get a “bathroom break”, I go and vomit it all out. I put on a normal face and that’s more than exhausting, it’s oppressive. And I can’t exactly ramble on about this invisible fight I have daily. I mean, who really cares?!?
Humans get tired of hearing you vent and complain. Not Allah. Allah loves it when you talk to Him, pour your vents and complain out to Him.
I know I should be grateful. I mean I don’t have it as bad as the others but this blog isn’t about the “others.” There are lots of blogs about the others by the others. This lil space is about you and me. The “crazy pagal” ones who keep switching, from their moods, to outfits all the way to changing relationships and jobs on a what seems like a whim. But to you and I, it’s not a whim, it’s our reality that we are constantly trying to repress in order to not cause a scene and screw up, yet again.
It’s an effort to fit in, to be stable, to appear normal, to appear to have it all together all the while inside there is a mental s*** load storm. I’m okay with that.
The only thing I hold on to and make sure I don’t treat with a whim is my faith.
That’s why when I’m blogging, I do my best to put some Islamic spin to it if not but to make it THE center. You see, if I didn’t have Islam or actually if I didn’t believe in a God, I literally would not be alive today.
My severest suicide attempt which I talk about in my eBook “Blessed with Bipolar” was when my faith went from being intellectual to experiential. At that moment, bipolar wasn’t in charge of me anymore. It was in charge or actually had totally hijacked my brain and body but not my soul. On that horrific today, I felt my Creator and Protector holding my soul and dear life.
I don’t know. I can’t really tell you about it and I don’t know if you can relate. But I can tell you that there is something bigger than the mental turmoil you are feeling. A Being, much much greater than you, is The Master of everything, including mental illnesses and all the colorful events that come with it. I know it’s weird and mind-boggling to think that a painful illness can be from a Merciful God. But that’s because our tiny minds can’t comprehend the wisdom behind the pain we feel.
Right now, I pull these words out of me because they are so heavy to accept. But man, Prophet Ayub alayhi salaam! What a man he was to actually praise and be grateful to Allah for losing EVERYTHING.
That’s a whole another level of faith: being grateful for the difficult things in your life and not just the things we like.
The only choice is whether we are going to acknowledge the hardship, be grateful all the while seeking our Creator’s help. Trust me, there is NO other way to make sense of an illness where you can physically see everything yet not understand why the cumin in your rice is squirming like lice and pimples are popping out of your fingertips. If you have another way to make sense of this, please let me know cuz I need to know.
The only way I know to handle bipolar is to disconnect from my physical body and brain and remember that Allah is holding my soul and I will go back to my Home very very soon. Morbid? Yes. But with a mental illness, it is oddly comforting.
What about you? Do you feel creepy crawlers on your skin when you are just trying to sleep or eat? How do you find a higher purpose in all this chaos? Tell me below!
Comments